Stayin’ Alive | How to Avoid Being Attacked By A Serial Killer

by John E. Citrone

In the modern age, we’ve all been faced with evils unheard of in the distant past. Technology kills, tyrants and political leaders wipe out entire populations in seconds, and the term “serial killer” is now a household word. Though there’s probably no way to stop high-tech murder machines and power-hungry zealots from blowing up countries, we can give you a few practical strategies for avoiding gruesome death at the hands of a Dahmer copycat.

The first and easiest way to avoid being murdered by a serial killer should be obvious:

1. Marry a Serial Killer

Odd but true, serial killers rarely rape, torture and murder their wives. In fact, they rarely, if ever, kill their children, parents or siblings. There are a couple of reasons for this.

One: Maintaining the illusion of a normal family life is key to avoiding capture. The more normal you look, the less likely you are to attract attention. Kill your wife or kid, and your run is over.

Two: Guilt. Yes, serial killers are capable of feeling guilt, just not for their prey. They do, however, loathe themselves for the suffering they cause their family members. So find a psycho killer and marry that asshole. Who knows, you might even get a nice lampshade out of the deal.

2. Team Up With a Serial Killer

The close relative to marrying a serial killer is actually befriending a serial killer. You don’t have to kill anyone. Just express a fascination for his predilection for murdering lots of strangers. He’ll more than likely try to impress you with his kill history, and you’ll be in the clear – provided you don’t piss him off.

3. Become a Serial Killer

Well, seriously, have you ever heard of a serial killer killing another serial killer? Even if you’re the nomadic type, traveling the countryside shooting, choking and stabbing, chances are you aren’t looking for some psychotic dude with whom to do battle. If you’re the stay-at-home type — killing after midnight and heading home just before breakfast or even better, bringing victims to the house and offing them in the basement while the wife is at bridge club — the likelihood of running into a likeminded sicko is nil. Once word gets out people are disappearing, your competition is leaving town or, at the very least, will stay away from neighborhood.

4. Don’t Live in Florida

Rolling.

Bundy.

Wuornos.

Bowles.

Long.

Burousseau.

5. Don’t Be a Hooker

If you need this explained to you, you probably deserve to be chopped up and left in a ditch by the side of the road.